discovery (and loss)
by emryses
Summary: theodore nott. blaise zabini. from their first kiss, to their last exchanged words. / for amber


**discovery (and loss)**

**a/n: for the lovely amber, who requested theoblaise with "love me, whoever i am, whoever i become" for the hogwarts gift-tag. sorry this is so late. ilysm.**

**all the love to lily for looking this over. **

**wc: 1760**

* * *

_(When Theo was fourteen, his friendship changed.)_

"I'm sorry, mate," said Theo to Blaise, clapping him on the back. "What Davis did was uncalled for."

It was the night after the Yule Ball, and Theo and Blaise, who spent their years as inseparable best friends, were walking back to the dormitories. Theo had gone with Daphne Greengrass as a friend. Blaise had decided to go with Tracy Davis, his supposed girlfriend, who they caught kissing a Ravenclaw boy on the dance floor.

"I...well, I had suspicions of her cheating on me," said Blaise, after a moment of silence. "I just wasn't sure, but I was honestly going to dump her soon anyways. She _did _always say that my snogging skills sucked -"

Theo scoffed. "What do you expect from her, mate? I'm sure your snogging skills are great."

Blaise raised an eyebrow at his friend. "How would you know? You've never actually -"

"You could pretend I'm a girl and practice it on me," Theo joked, snickering. He expected his friend to laugh alongside him, but instead Blaise stopped in his tracks, as if he was thinking about something serious.

"That's actually not a bad idea," mused Blaise, causing Theo's eyes to widen.

"I - I wasn't being serious," stammered Theo. _Surely Blaise knew that?_

"C'mon, Theo. It'll only be one time. Nobody would have to know," pleaded Blaise.

Theo hesitated, but then Blaise _had_ to give him _that _look. The look that Theo couldn't ever say no to.

"_Theo…"_

"Okay...I guess there's no harm. We'll do it. Somewhere where nobody can see us." If Theo were to be honest, he himself needed snogging practice too.

They changed route. Instead of going to the Slytherin common room, they decided to go to the nearest empty closet, closing the door behind them.

"...Why are we doing this again?" paused Blaise, nearly freezing up.

"_This was your idea!" _hissed Theo in protest.

Blaise paused at that, and without any warning, leaned over and snogged Theo. _Hard. _What the hell was Davis on about? Their lips locked together in passion, was possibly the best first kiss that could ever exist.

He finally pulled away, and the two stared at each other, with wide eyes and horrified that they actually enjoyed this.

"No one is to know we _ever _did this," Blaise finally said, taking in a breath. "And we should _never_ do it again."

Theo nodded in agreement. "Absolutely. And Blaise, for the record...you aren't that bad."

Blaise smiled in thanks, before they looked at each other once more with the same glance of horror, and decided to quickly leave and never think about this again.

* * *

_(When Theo was fifteen, he realized what he had truly gotten into.) _

"Why do we keep doing this? What does it mean?" whispered Theo honestly, as he pulled away from Blaise. After that fateful night at the Yule Ball, they'd kept their promise of keeping their one-time snog a secret from everyone. They, however, did not do a good job at never doing it again. Obsessed with how it felt the first time, they continued meeting secretly in that tight closet every single week. Even over the summer, they would meet up and snog in each other's rooms. They made sure to keep the door locked as they did so.

For _good fun, _they told themselves, _It's all just practice._

"...It doesn't mean anything," Blaise's tone, however, sounded questioning, as if he wasn't sure about the statement that he made.

"If it doesn't mean anything, should we just stop?" asked Theo, his voice small.

Blaise mulled over his friend's question, before nodding with hesitation. "If you really want to, Theo, we'll stop."

And so they agreed that there would be no more, and walked back to the Slytherin common room to do their homework. They walked with awkward silence, until Theo swiveled his head to Blaise.

"...Next week?"

Blaise's resolve crumbled. "Yes, next week," he said, his face sounding relieved. They walked in the common room and started to quiz each other for Charms, but were interrupted.

"Nott, since when did you have a girlfriend?" Malfoy asked him, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm single," said Theo evenly. "We both are."

"Then where'd that hickey come from?" asked Malfoy, raising an eyebrow.

Theo's eyes widened in horror as he quickly covered it with his robes. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

Theo and Blaise both blushed at that, and the blond narrowed his eyes at them. "Why are _you _blushing, Zabini?"

"The truth is, Malfoy...Theo and I had a one-night fling with a pair of fourth-year Hufflepuffs," lied Blaise, trying to sound convincing.

"It was a _really _fun night," added Theo. "Pity you couldn't join us, Malfoy."

"Hmm. You could do better than _Hufflepuffs," _the blond sneered, before turning away.

"I'm an idiot. I can't believe I forgot to hide that," said Theo, shaking his head in disappointment at himself.

"Everyone makes mistakes," said Blaise, giving his friend an easy smile. "We _do _have to be careful around people like Malfoy, though...it'd be easier on the both of us if we just stopped this. Why can't we stop it?"

* * *

_(When Theo was sixteen, he found out _exactly _why they couldn't stop it.)_

"What do people usually _do_ in relationships?" asked Theo abruptly, as the pair were playing a game of Exploding Snap.

"Snog," shrugged Blaise. "Talk. Go on dates. Care about each other."

Theo hesitated, and they continued the game. But Blaise sensed something wrong with his best friend. "What's up, lov - _Theo?" _he corrected himself firmly. "You've seemed a bit off?"

Theo started sweating nervously at Blaise's blunder. "Don't we already do three out of four of the things you said earlier? We snog. We talk. We...we care about each other. At least I think we do. Does that mean that not literally, but _technically, _are we in a -"

Blaise looked extremely uncomfortable at what Theo was implying. "I...suppose?" he said, his voice was sounding like a question mark, but the soft blush on his face was clearly giving him away.

"I mean, I know that we can't go on dates. We can't tell anyone," said Theo, trying not to stammer. This was all sugarcoating for the dreaded words '_purebloods are against homeosexuality,' _but neither of them felt comfortable with addressing that topic. _Not now. _"It could all be a secret."

Blaise took a step back, as if mulling on the words. Without any sort of notice, he then stepped forward and snogged Theo, and when he pulled away, he asked, "does _that _answer your question?

* * *

_(When Theo was seventeen, he was forced to do something unimaginable.)_

"I can't believe this," said Blaise, taking a step back from Theo in horror.

Theo took a step back. His face was pale. His hands were shaking. He didn't know what to say. It was now the end of sixth-year, and there was no way he'd be ever to see Blaise again. He'd let him down. He was a _terrible _person. "I'm sorry," he finally decided to say.

"Don't apologize," his boyfriend's voice was harsh. "I understand. It's not your fault."

"My father…" he gulped, his voice shaking. "...I was told by him that...the Dark Lord...he was going to take my mother if I don't take it."

"You're not taking it on your own will," said Blaise softly, before his voice hesitated. "Theo, does this mean...will we be able to see each other again?"

"After the war," said Theo. He could barely bear to say the words. It sounded like a death sentence; for who knew how the war would end? Surely a neutral like Blaise would be safe either way?

"_After the war…"_ Blaise repeated. Suddenly, he grabbed Theo's shoulders, his brown eyes looking directly into Theo's blue ones. "_I love you."_

Theo was stunned at the sudden declaration.

"If we're never going to see each other again, then it has to be said," said Blaise. His voice was firm.

"I love you too," blurted out Theo, before he sighed and decided to speak his mind. "...But I don't know if you'll _continue _to love me."

"What do you mean?" asked Blaise.

"I'm going to be a _Death Eater. _They do terrible things -"

"Theo," Blaise interrupted, nearly chuckling. He then stopped, realizing that now was not the time. "You're literally _the _most little spoon person I've come across. I can't even imagine you doing _half _the things they do."

"What if I change, Blaise?" his tone was fearful, and his eyes wide. "What if they force me to _become_ like one of them?"

Blaise interrupted him with a snog. "Then I'll still love you. Because I know that whatever you do, it won't be willing."

"Love me," said Theo, as they snogged once more. "Whoever I am, whoever I become."

"_Always."_

(As Theo let the mark burn on his skin later that summer, he remembered his last words with Blaise. Words that would have to be kept secret. Words that _nobody _could know about.)

* * *

_(When Theo was eighteen, he was no longer in this world.)_

Theo died in the Second Battle. Blaise had found out that he'd died in a duel against a man who lost his little daughter to a Death Eater. He didn't want to kill the man, but the man was more than happy to kill anyone on the other side. When he'd furiously asked the man's fate, he was told the man also died in the battle.

His funeral was a small affair, and not many showed up. 'Not many would care about an ex Death Eater, no matter _what _circumstances they were forced to go through,' thought Blaise bitterly.

"Will you be alright?" A comforting hand placed itself on his shoulder. Blaise jumped at the touch, and looked up to find Daphne. "I know how close you two were. You were practically inseparable friends.

"_Friends," _repeated Blaise. Even the word sounded sour, because his Theo was far, far more than that. "Thank you for the sentiment, Daph."

"Of course," she said kindly. "Our family will be here for you if you ever need anything."

He nodded in thanks, and he heard Daphne's footsteps walk away. He slowly walked to Theo's grave, remembering the last words that Theo had said to him on that fateful night.

"_Love me, whoever I am, whoever I become."_

They never even got to live out their life together. They conformed to stereotypes, and now Blaise would forever regret it. He knelt by the grave, and cried.

* * *

**hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry assignment # 4 - herbology task 2 - write about keeping a secret **

**insane house - 164. (theme) secrets**

**herbology hangout - (word) understand **

**fortnightly challenge - anti romance awareness - 10. write about the death of a spouse or lover**

**writing club:**

**amber's attic - 6. (genre) tragedy (bonus)**

**love in motion - trio - blaise/theo**

**bex's basement - 3. write about one part of the couple dying**

* * *

**please r&r :)**

**-ana**


End file.
